Forever and a Day Later

14 03 2008

I’m back. And I’m 12 weeks. After our much awaited BFP I was worried. More than worried I suppose. After a loss it is hard to really get excited about a BFP in quite the same way as you did the first time. I was thrilled in so many ways, but cautious. I didn’t want to jinx anything. I don’t believe in god and I spend my days working in science, and at the same time some primal part of my brain was concerned about tipping off some malevolent spirit to our recent good fortune. I figured it best to just keep my mouth shut and fly under the radar. My husband saw it differently. He had a very hard time dealing with the secrecy of our miscarriage. With only each other to talk to, it made everything that much harder on him. So this time around he made sure that we told our parents and siblings shortly after we found out. I wanted to allow him to try things his way this time since my plan of secrecy was so hard on him last time. But I wasn’t very comfortable with it.

But all seems well so far. And for that I am beyond thankful. So, quick recap of the 1st trimester… Weeks 6-9 were filled with exhaustion, food aversions, and morning sickness. Luckily there was no vomiting involved. It always bothered me when people would complain about pregnancy symptoms. “What I wouldn’t give to have to put up with that.” I would think. And I still did. I felt bad, but I tried not to complain. I took joy in it actually. It is weird to be happy about feeling bad, but I’m sure others can relate. I liked it better than the alternative: not being pregnant or going through another miscarriage. But the sickness eventually went away. The exhaustion has also let up recently. Now in week 12, it has been replaced by daily headaches, but also an overall good feeling. The belly is slowly starting and we rented a doppler so I could put my mind at ease when needed. I’m still hesitant to truly believe that this will result in a baby, but I am getting more optimistic by the week.

Appointments so far have been good. My first was at 6 weeks. Just a general “eat this, don’t eat that” kind of thing with the additional highlight of peeing in a cup. My husband informed the nurse that we are vegan. She was fine with that. And it really made the “don’t eat” list pretty short. Soft cheeses, deli meats, seafood… nope, nope, and nope. We don’t eat those. Since we have had a previous loss and we had somewhat of a hard time conceiving,  the nurse let us come back at 9 weeks for an ultrasound. Part of me was expecting to see nothing. Like this pregnancy was all a delusion I had created in my head. And this was were the nurse was going to find out that I was a crazy person who had convinced herself she was pregnant when she wasn’t. Luckily that wasn’t the case. We did see a baby that measured on track and a heartbeat too. It was the greatest thing ever. And thanks to some apple juice I had an hour before or so, the baby was bouncing all around. What a huge relief. We got some print outs of the ultrasound and DH showed them to darn near everyone at his work. He had told people at work even before he told his parents, so they were all expecting to hear how the appointment went. Then came a quick, unplanned appointment a week or so ago. My calf was bothering me and it hurt to touch it, so they brought me in. They then ordered an ultrasound of my leg to make sure I had no blood clots. All was fine. My next appointment is a week from today, and I’m excited about it even if we don’t do anything but pee in a cup and talk to the nurse.

This has been such an unreal experience. This is something I was starting to think we would never have. And if it wasn’t for my husband’s random and excited outbursts of “you’re pregnant!”, I would still question it.


So Far, So Good

13 01 2008

Goodness, I have been slacking on updating. Well, my temp went back up and I got an even darker +. I have vowed to put that darn thermometer away. I don’t need that stress. Right now things are going good. My boobs are killing me and I’m pretty exhausted most of the time, but I’m loving it. I really am still in shock about it all. And it came at a great time too. My due date for our miscarriage is in February, as is the 2-year mark for the beginning of our TTC journey. Assuming that everything continues to go well, this will allow us to look at February as a good month and not as a reminder of sad times. I’m still taking it one day at a time. I have decided that there is nothing I can do about a miscarriage, so why stress about it. I’m going to try and enjoy this and not think about the “what if” scenarios.

Then there is the insurance. It is funny that this happened right after I switched doctors so we could go to the fertility clinic we wanted. Which means now I have a new gyno and a new hospital that I don’t like. So I put in for a request to switch my medical group back again so that I can go to my old gyno. I’m really looking forward to being back with his office. They are great people. I will be officially switched back on February 1st.  He usually schedules the first appointment at 6 weeks, so hopefully I will have an appointment shortly after the 1st. I will be 6 weeks on January 27th.

Oddly enough, my DH has told some of his co-workers, but none of our family. I have only told one friend who has also had loses and is currently pregnant. Not sure when we are going to tell everyone. DH has the point of view that he wants to tell right away. That way if we have a miscarriage, we can be sad without having to hide it or make up excuses. But at the same time he has decided not to tell family just yet. He is a little conflicted on the whole thing. I’m fine with not telling for a while. My father is coming to visit in a few days and I think that will be the big test. If DH wants to tell then, then we will need to tell the rest of our parents. I guess there isn’t really a right answer. We’ll see how it goes.


11 01 2008

Well AF was due today and so far not so much as a spot. That is the good news. The kind of, sort of bad news that I hope against hope is nothing, is the fact that my temp plummeted 0.6 degrees this morning. That may not sound like a lot, but if you are one of us crazy people who charts, then you know that 0.6 is bigger than is sounds. I am terrified, but I am trying to be positive about it. No cramping, no bleeding. And that is very important. I mentioned it to hubby this morning and told him I was worried. I needed someone to tell. I think that was a big mistake. He is quite the wreck now and I feel horrible because of it. When I’m scared about something I want nothing more than to confide in my best friend, and my husband is definitely my best friend. But at the same time he is just as involved in this as me and I feel like I shouldn’t worry him unless there is something definitive going on. I think from here on out I’m only going to mention this kind of thing if he needs to know. He certainly didn’t need to know this. I hope he is doing okay. Anyhow, in all the chaos of this morning I didn’t test. I had a plan to test every other day for a little while just to put my mind at ease. I’m going to see about taking a test when I get home from work today. I got a positive in the afternoon at 10 dpo, so I should be able to do the same at 12 dpo. Hopefully it will be dark and reassuring. And I hope that tomorrow’s temp is back up.
I really hate what infertility and having a miscarriage has done to me. I am a nervous wreck and analyzing every little thing when so many women out there wouldn’t be. I long to be the kind of person who gets one positive test and then never tests again. The kind of person who can sit back, relax, and have faith that everything will be okay. I’m worried that every little thing is going to lead to miscarriage, and then I start to worry that my worrying will cause miscarriage. Yeah, I’m crazy. I want to just enjoy this, but I feel this odd need to prepare myself for the worst.

Surprise, Surprise

10 01 2008

So, I haven’t updated in a while because I’ve been a little freaked out. The spotting I had at 8dpo was short lived and it didn’t return. On 10 dpo I tested and got a positive. I’m in shock really. I was supposed to be scheduling my appointment with the gyno that day to see about our referral to the fertility clinic. This is a surprise indeed and I can’t help but think that it might be because of the supplements DH has been taking for the last couple months. Although his SA was fine (after starting supplements), he took a fertility test a few years back that showed low sperm count. I can’t help but wonder. Anyhow, Hubby is thrilled, but we are both being very realistic about this. Our only other pregnancy (8 months ago) ended in miscarriage and, although things are looking better this time around, we know all too well that a positive test doesn’t necessarily equal a take-home baby. I’m happy, I’m terrified, I’m hoping that this pregnancy actually brings us a happy and healthy baby. I’m taking it all one day at a time.

Damn Spotting!

7 01 2008

Okay, so I am 8 dpo and the spotting has arrived. I know I said that even if I started spotting today I would feel like it was a small victory that I made it this long… and I do. But I’m also kind of pissed about it. Grrrr. Okay, that is all. 🙂

Remind Me, What is the Purpose of All This?

6 01 2008

When we first started trying nearly 2 years ago I was sure it would happen right away. I was actually kind of concerned that we started trying in March because that would mean the baby would be born in late December, which wouldn’t be ideal for my work schedule. It is kind of hysterical to look back on that type of thinking. Now I couldn’t care less about my work schedule or when the baby would arrive, as long as it arrives! Oh and the times before we started trying when I would stress out about maybe being pregnant even though I was on birth control. Hysterical as well. Oh I miss the naivety.

One of the things I remember from those early days of trying is how real a baby seemed. I thought about it often and I considered how our life would change when the baby arrived. I made plans and decisions in preparation for the baby. I thought about maternity clothes, what season it would be when I was pregnant, how much sick time I should save for when the baby is born, and on and on. It all seemed so tangible and it was the main focus. My thoughts were not about the trying, or about the pregnancy, but about the baby. Sadly I think that changed somewhere along the way. The idea of having a baby seems so far-fetched now. The majority of my thoughts are now about the trying and the quest to get pregnant. What happens after that? I can’t even seem to think that far ahead anymore. We are still very committed to having and caring for a child. It is still our main concern. But I don’t think about it very often. I don’t imagine a baby in my arms anymore, I don’t look at baby clothes, I don’t research strollers and car seats, and I don’t think of baby names. Not right now anyways. I feel like we’re still struggling to get out of the starting gate, so why spend my time thinking about what will happen at the finish line?

I write this because I wonder if I am the only one. I wonder if anyone else has had their priorities rearranged by infertility. I wonder if anyone else is having a hard time imagining what it would be like to actually triumph over infertility. I wonder if anyone else has trouble thinking about the baby that they are trying so hard to conceive. And I wonder if I am a bad person for letting the trying overshadow the child we are trying for.

This Takes Forever Doesn’t It?

6 01 2008

Well, I contacted the fertility clinic about scheduling before they have that precious referral in their hands. Their answer… absolutely not. I tried. So onto the quest for the referral. I went to my new primary care doctor. He was great, very nice, and an all-around good guy. But he couldn’t give me the referral until I saw the gyno. Booo. So hopefully Monday I will make that appointment and maybe then I will get the referral. Wow, this is really dragging on. I hate insurance companies sometimes. So that is where I am now in the waiting game.

In other news, I am 7 dpo today. Although it seems like forever since we first started trying, and we have decided to pursue IF treatment, we haven’t completely given up on conceiving on our own. So I find myself here in the 2ww. I’m not terribly hopeful, but there is always that glimmer of hope. After all, my tests have come back fine, hubby’s tests have come back fine, and we did manage to get pregnant once. So who knows, it could happen. Not much to report on the 2ww other than the fact that I am 7 dpo and I have not spotted once since ovulation. I couldn’t be happier about that. Ever since our miscarriage nearly 7 months ago, I have spotted every cycle (with the exception of Clomid cycles) from about 6 dpo on. So just making it to 7 dpo is exciting for me. It gives me hope that my body is finally getting back on track after the miscarriage. Even if I start spotting tomorrow it will feel like a victory.