Remind Me, What is the Purpose of All This?

6 01 2008

When we first started trying nearly 2 years ago I was sure it would happen right away. I was actually kind of concerned that we started trying in March because that would mean the baby would be born in late December, which wouldn’t be ideal for my work schedule. It is kind of hysterical to look back on that type of thinking. Now I couldn’t care less about my work schedule or when the baby would arrive, as long as it arrives! Oh and the times before we started trying when I would stress out about maybe being pregnant even though I was on birth control. Hysterical as well. Oh I miss the naivety.

One of the things I remember from those early days of trying is how real a baby seemed. I thought about it often and I considered how our life would change when the baby arrived. I made plans and decisions in preparation for the baby. I thought about maternity clothes, what season it would be when I was pregnant, how much sick time I should save for when the baby is born, and on and on. It all seemed so tangible and it was the main focus. My thoughts were not about the trying, or about the pregnancy, but about the baby. Sadly I think that changed somewhere along the way. The idea of having a baby seems so far-fetched now. The majority of my thoughts are now about the trying and the quest to get pregnant. What happens after that? I can’t even seem to think that far ahead anymore. We are still very committed to having and caring for a child. It is still our main concern. But I don’t think about it very often. I don’t imagine a baby in my arms anymore, I don’t look at baby clothes, I don’t research strollers and car seats, and I don’t think of baby names. Not right now anyways. I feel like we’re still struggling to get out of the starting gate, so why spend my time thinking about what will happen at the finish line?

I write this because I wonder if I am the only one. I wonder if anyone else has had their priorities rearranged by infertility. I wonder if anyone else is having a hard time imagining what it would be like to actually triumph over infertility. I wonder if anyone else has trouble thinking about the baby that they are trying so hard to conceive. And I wonder if I am a bad person for letting the trying overshadow the child we are trying for.




5 responses

6 01 2008

No you aren’t the only one.

Thing is- before Infertility- getting pregnant is a non-issue. We just expect it to happen.

Before IF we didn’t even think about hormones or conception. We didn’t realize that pregnant didn’t always equal baby. So our views were accordingly—“Let’s have a baby” =’s planning for the child to be here 40 wks from that moment.

But now we know the steps. And each step is a major event. Not to mention its easier to continue foward with the little victories we have instead of overlooking them toward the baby we aren’t even sure will be there at the end of things.

We deal with what we are faced with now, whereever that may be. If its at the beginning of the cycle- we focus on baselines, protocol, timing, checkin for O. In the TWW we focus on the waiting to find out, the changes, etc. If we make it past that we focus on the next test, the next appointment.

You are not alone…and you shouldn’t feel bad about how you feel. We all have to change the focus at some point. When there is a baby here I am 100% sure you will be focused on that little person and what they need. For now…step by step

6 01 2008

First off…you absolutely AREN’T a bad person for this taking over your mind and imagination. And more importantly, you AREN’T the only one.

I used to be one of them. Talking as though this was the month. Making plans with the assumption that we’d be working around baby’s schedule in just a few short months. Now that is all within the realm of fantasy for me.

Making plans is now based on my cycles and what meds I’ll be on when. So much of me is invested in trying to make this happen, there isn’t any leftover for daydreaming.

And the daydreaming hurts like a sonofabitch a lot of the time.

I still want it. I still hope for it. If I stop to think, I can imagine it, but now I see it as a “possible future” instead of “my life someday.”

6 01 2008

I think that what you’re going through is soooo normal. I’ve gone through it with every major undertaking: moving to the UK, moving back from the UK, dealing with immigration so that my husband can move from the UK, finding a job and…..infertility.

I think that once you’ve gotten pregnant and had things go wrong, you can’t take that end result for granted any more. it just hurts too much. So we focus on the journey – on the next step, the next test, the next result.

What shocked me was, when I did get pregnant, there was this “Oh……what do I do now?” feeling. It went away and the happiness came, followed by the sadness of things ended but you get so focused on the task that it’s easy to forget what lies at the end of it all.

6 01 2008

I could have written this exact post. I always used to figure out what my due date would be and think about when the baby would be born. Then it switched to thinking….am I even ovulating, are his sperm decent?? Now that we’ve had our first beta, I am suddenly clueless. I used to know everything about how I wanted my pregnancy to be (back when I thought someone could actually plan a pregnancy). Now I know nothing.

So, no, you are definitely not the only one. And certainly not a bad person, because that would mean I was too…and I think I’m pretty ok 😉

7 01 2008

i so understand. everything changed when i realized it was going to be so hard. i used to get warm fuzzy happy feelings when i saw baby stuff.. now i get sad and sometimes angry. a baby does seem sooo far away now.

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