Scared

11 01 2008

Well AF was due today and so far not so much as a spot. That is the good news. The kind of, sort of bad news that I hope against hope is nothing, is the fact that my temp plummeted 0.6 degrees this morning. That may not sound like a lot, but if you are one of us crazy people who charts, then you know that 0.6 is bigger than is sounds. I am terrified, but I am trying to be positive about it. No cramping, no bleeding. And that is very important. I mentioned it to hubby this morning and told him I was worried. I needed someone to tell. I think that was a big mistake. He is quite the wreck now and I feel horrible because of it. When I’m scared about something I want nothing more than to confide in my best friend, and my husband is definitely my best friend. But at the same time he is just as involved in this as me and I feel like I shouldn’t worry him unless there is something definitive going on. I think from here on out I’m only going to mention this kind of thing if he needs to know. He certainly didn’t need to know this. I hope he is doing okay. Anyhow, in all the chaos of this morning I didn’t test. I had a plan to test every other day for a little while just to put my mind at ease. I’m going to see about taking a test when I get home from work today. I got a positive in the afternoon at 10 dpo, so I should be able to do the same at 12 dpo. Hopefully it will be dark and reassuring. And I hope that tomorrow’s temp is back up.
I really hate what infertility and having a miscarriage has done to me. I am a nervous wreck and analyzing every little thing when so many women out there wouldn’t be. I long to be the kind of person who gets one positive test and then never tests again. The kind of person who can sit back, relax, and have faith that everything will be okay. I’m worried that every little thing is going to lead to miscarriage, and then I start to worry that my worrying will cause miscarriage. Yeah, I’m crazy. I want to just enjoy this, but I feel this odd need to prepare myself for the worst.

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2 responses

11 01 2008
meghan

Hoping that lines gets darker from yesterday!!! I’ve got everything crossed for you. Keep us updated!

12 01 2008
emilythehopeless

oh man.. i missed this.. sorry to be posting late!! oh i’m soooo crossing my fingers for you!! i hope this is finally it for you!! i’m so excited that you got a +! i do totally understand reading too much into your temps.. soo hoping it goes back up. i definitely would have told my husband too. oh i hope you get more ++++!!! {{HUGS}}

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