Forever and a Day Later

14 03 2008

I’m back. And I’m 12 weeks. After our much awaited BFP I was worried. More than worried I suppose. After a loss it is hard to really get excited about a BFP in quite the same way as you did the first time. I was thrilled in so many ways, but cautious. I didn’t want to jinx anything. I don’t believe in god and I spend my days working in science, and at the same time some primal part of my brain was concerned about tipping off some malevolent spirit to our recent good fortune. I figured it best to just keep my mouth shut and fly under the radar. My husband saw it differently. He had a very hard time dealing with the secrecy of our miscarriage. With only each other to talk to, it made everything that much harder on him. So this time around he made sure that we told our parents and siblings shortly after we found out. I wanted to allow him to try things his way this time since my plan of secrecy was so hard on him last time. But I wasn’t very comfortable with it.

But all seems well so far. And for that I am beyond thankful. So, quick recap of the 1st trimester… Weeks 6-9 were filled with exhaustion, food aversions, and morning sickness. Luckily there was no vomiting involved. It always bothered me when people would complain about pregnancy symptoms. “What I wouldn’t give to have to put up with that.” I would think. And I still did. I felt bad, but I tried not to complain. I took joy in it actually. It is weird to be happy about feeling bad, but I’m sure others can relate. I liked it better than the alternative: not being pregnant or going through another miscarriage. But the sickness eventually went away. The exhaustion has also let up recently. Now in week 12, it has been replaced by daily headaches, but also an overall good feeling. The belly is slowly starting and we rented a doppler so I could put my mind at ease when needed. I’m still hesitant to truly believe that this will result in a baby, but I am getting more optimistic by the week.

Appointments so far have been good. My first was at 6 weeks. Just a general “eat this, don’t eat that” kind of thing with the additional highlight of peeing in a cup. My husband informed the nurse that we are vegan. She was fine with that. And it really made the “don’t eat” list pretty short. Soft cheeses, deli meats, seafood… nope, nope, and nope. We don’t eat those. Since we have had a previous loss and we had somewhat of a hard time conceiving,  the nurse let us come back at 9 weeks for an ultrasound. Part of me was expecting to see nothing. Like this pregnancy was all a delusion I had created in my head. And this was were the nurse was going to find out that I was a crazy person who had convinced herself she was pregnant when she wasn’t. Luckily that wasn’t the case. We did see a baby that measured on track and a heartbeat too. It was the greatest thing ever. And thanks to some apple juice I had an hour before or so, the baby was bouncing all around. What a huge relief. We got some print outs of the ultrasound and DH showed them to darn near everyone at his work. He had told people at work even before he told his parents, so they were all expecting to hear how the appointment went. Then came a quick, unplanned appointment a week or so ago. My calf was bothering me and it hurt to touch it, so they brought me in. They then ordered an ultrasound of my leg to make sure I had no blood clots. All was fine. My next appointment is a week from today, and I’m excited about it even if we don’t do anything but pee in a cup and talk to the nurse.

This has been such an unreal experience. This is something I was starting to think we would never have. And if it wasn’t for my husband’s random and excited outbursts of “you’re pregnant!”, I would still question it.

Advertisements