Damn Spotting!

7 01 2008

Okay, so I am 8 dpo and the spotting has arrived. I know I said that even if I started spotting today I would feel like it was a small victory that I made it this long… and I do. But I’m also kind of pissed about it. Grrrr. Okay, that is all. 🙂


Remind Me, What is the Purpose of All This?

6 01 2008

When we first started trying nearly 2 years ago I was sure it would happen right away. I was actually kind of concerned that we started trying in March because that would mean the baby would be born in late December, which wouldn’t be ideal for my work schedule. It is kind of hysterical to look back on that type of thinking. Now I couldn’t care less about my work schedule or when the baby would arrive, as long as it arrives! Oh and the times before we started trying when I would stress out about maybe being pregnant even though I was on birth control. Hysterical as well. Oh I miss the naivety.

One of the things I remember from those early days of trying is how real a baby seemed. I thought about it often and I considered how our life would change when the baby arrived. I made plans and decisions in preparation for the baby. I thought about maternity clothes, what season it would be when I was pregnant, how much sick time I should save for when the baby is born, and on and on. It all seemed so tangible and it was the main focus. My thoughts were not about the trying, or about the pregnancy, but about the baby. Sadly I think that changed somewhere along the way. The idea of having a baby seems so far-fetched now. The majority of my thoughts are now about the trying and the quest to get pregnant. What happens after that? I can’t even seem to think that far ahead anymore. We are still very committed to having and caring for a child. It is still our main concern. But I don’t think about it very often. I don’t imagine a baby in my arms anymore, I don’t look at baby clothes, I don’t research strollers and car seats, and I don’t think of baby names. Not right now anyways. I feel like we’re still struggling to get out of the starting gate, so why spend my time thinking about what will happen at the finish line?

I write this because I wonder if I am the only one. I wonder if anyone else has had their priorities rearranged by infertility. I wonder if anyone else is having a hard time imagining what it would be like to actually triumph over infertility. I wonder if anyone else has trouble thinking about the baby that they are trying so hard to conceive. And I wonder if I am a bad person for letting the trying overshadow the child we are trying for.

This Takes Forever Doesn’t It?

6 01 2008

Well, I contacted the fertility clinic about scheduling before they have that precious referral in their hands. Their answer… absolutely not. I tried. So onto the quest for the referral. I went to my new primary care doctor. He was great, very nice, and an all-around good guy. But he couldn’t give me the referral until I saw the gyno. Booo. So hopefully Monday I will make that appointment and maybe then I will get the referral. Wow, this is really dragging on. I hate insurance companies sometimes. So that is where I am now in the waiting game.

In other news, I am 7 dpo today. Although it seems like forever since we first started trying, and we have decided to pursue IF treatment, we haven’t completely given up on conceiving on our own. So I find myself here in the 2ww. I’m not terribly hopeful, but there is always that glimmer of hope. After all, my tests have come back fine, hubby’s tests have come back fine, and we did manage to get pregnant once. So who knows, it could happen. Not much to report on the 2ww other than the fact that I am 7 dpo and I have not spotted once since ovulation. I couldn’t be happier about that. Ever since our miscarriage nearly 7 months ago, I have spotted every cycle (with the exception of Clomid cycles) from about 6 dpo on. So just making it to 7 dpo is exciting for me. It gives me hope that my body is finally getting back on track after the miscarriage. Even if I start spotting tomorrow it will feel like a victory.

Insurance Issues: Fixed

31 12 2007

So I got my medical group changed… again. Turns out that my work has changed my insurance as of the first of January, so the medical group I had chosen was no longer allowed. But I found a new one that my dream RE is a part of and I got switched just in time. If I would have called tomorrow it would have meant another 4 weeks of waiting. So I have talked to the fertility clinic and discussed our next step. On Wednesday I will make an appointment with my new primary doctor, I will then hopefully get a referral from him, then 7-10 days after that the clinic will have the approved referral, and then I can schedule my appointment with them. The appointments at the fertility clinic are about 4 weeks out at this point, so with the waiting for a referral and the waiting for an appointment, we might not see them until March! I don’t like the sound of that at all, but it is what it is. After that comes some more tests, and then treatment. Feels like it is going to be forever until we get going on treatment. But at least we are one tiny step closer to our consultation and, ultimately, treatment. I have to keep telling myself that.

I’m not entirely sure what kind of treatment we are going for. Hubby’s results have come back fine, all my preliminary tests have come back fine, and we did manage to get pregnant once, so I’m not sure what is wrong with us. Hubby, like lots of guys, wants results. He is hesitant to go with IUI when there is another treatment out there with better odds. So I know hubby is definitely leaning towards IVF. And I’m with him on that. I have a feeling the RE will agree. The clinic we are going to is very aggressive; they even make sure to tell you that when you call about making an appointment. So I’m thinking they will recommend IVF as well.

So begins the waiting. Luckily there are a bunch of little steps along the way to keep me occupied. Fingers crossed that we get in to the RE soon!

Telling the Family… Well, Some of Them

30 12 2007

I finally told my parents that we are trying, and that we haven’t had any luck, and that we are looking to see a specialist. I didn’t mention the miscarriage. I can’t bring myself to talk about that just yet. I can’t believe it has been almost two years since we started trying and I have finally told them. I don’t know why I was so scared to tell them, but I was. They seem thrilled and they had encouraging words to say. I feel better not having to keep it secret anymore, at least not from them. We still haven’t told my husband’s family, however. For some reason I don’t really want to tell them because I’m worried that they will be the type to ask about it every day and hound me about it. Hubby would be more than happy to tell them. He hates having to be so hush hush about it all. So that’s that. My family is in the know. Holy crap!

I’m a Dumb Dumb Head

21 12 2007

I don’t know when exactly I got the idea that this dream RE was in my medical group, but apparently I was oh so very wrong. Today I managed to get my gyno’s office to refer me to the clinic I wanted (the aforementioned “dream RE”) instead of the one they were going to refer me to. But after checking again, I realized that my dream RE was in a completely different medical group than me. Oops. I’m sure that is a fact that will dawn on my gyno’s office soon enough. And that is probably why my gyno wanted to refer me to the other clinic to begin with. So, not to be outdone, I said screw that and changed my medical group. Oh yes I did. Might sound a little drastic, but I wish you could see the stats. The clinic I was originally going to be referred to had an IVF success rate of about 30% for women my age, while my dream RE has a success rate of over 50% for women my age. So yeah, if we end up plunking down 10K for all this stuff, I’m damn sure going with the clinic with the best stats. And they also come very highly recommended by a couple people I know. If nothing else, they are much friendlier than the clinic I was going to be going to. And friendly is important when someone is going to be poking and prodding, like an RE.

So time will tell if my scheming worked out. It is touchy because my referral is coming from my gyno (who is in my current medical group) to my dream RE (who is the medical group I will officially be in as of January 1st). Confusing enough? I think so. I hate insurance sometimes. So wish me luck and may the fertility clinic fairies smile upon me… or some thing along those lines. 😀

Referral in the Works

21 12 2007

I will hopefully have another update with the rest of hubby’s SA results this afternoon. Fingers crossed. In other news however, my doctor is putting through a referral to a fertility clinic for us. We are just waiting to see if my insurance goes along with it. He didn’t refer me to the clinic I was hoping for and, being the pansy that I am, I didn’t push the issue. Why am I so bad with confrontation? Anyways, I just looked up the clinic online and their stats are less than impressive, and the doctors have less than stellar ratings on those websites where patients review doctors. So all in all I’m not thrilled with my doctor’s choice. I think I might go to the clinic I chose originally despite who my gyno referred me to. My insurance is an HMO, but it has an option where you can refer yourself to a apecialist if you are willing to pay a higher co-pay. Which doesn’t really matter anyways, because they don’t do the co-pay thing with infertility. We pay 50% of everything infertility related, except for IVF, GIFT, etc. which they don’t cover at all. So I think I will call my insurance and see if I can just go to where I want to go instead. If I’m going to pay huge amounts of money to some doctor, I’m going to go with the best for my money.