Scared

11 01 2008

Well AF was due today and so far not so much as a spot. That is the good news. The kind of, sort of bad news that I hope against hope is nothing, is the fact that my temp plummeted 0.6 degrees this morning. That may not sound like a lot, but if you are one of us crazy people who charts, then you know that 0.6 is bigger than is sounds. I am terrified, but I am trying to be positive about it. No cramping, no bleeding. And that is very important. I mentioned it to hubby this morning and told him I was worried. I needed someone to tell. I think that was a big mistake. He is quite the wreck now and I feel horrible because of it. When I’m scared about something I want nothing more than to confide in my best friend, and my husband is definitely my best friend. But at the same time he is just as involved in this as me and I feel like I shouldn’t worry him unless there is something definitive going on. I think from here on out I’m only going to mention this kind of thing if he needs to know. He certainly didn’t need to know this. I hope he is doing okay. Anyhow, in all the chaos of this morning I didn’t test. I had a plan to test every other day for a little while just to put my mind at ease. I’m going to see about taking a test when I get home from work today. I got a positive in the afternoon at 10 dpo, so I should be able to do the same at 12 dpo. Hopefully it will be dark and reassuring. And I hope that tomorrow’s temp is back up.
I really hate what infertility and having a miscarriage has done to me. I am a nervous wreck and analyzing every little thing when so many women out there wouldn’t be. I long to be the kind of person who gets one positive test and then never tests again. The kind of person who can sit back, relax, and have faith that everything will be okay. I’m worried that every little thing is going to lead to miscarriage, and then I start to worry that my worrying will cause miscarriage. Yeah, I’m crazy. I want to just enjoy this, but I feel this odd need to prepare myself for the worst.

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Surprise, Surprise

10 01 2008

So, I haven’t updated in a while because I’ve been a little freaked out. The spotting I had at 8dpo was short lived and it didn’t return. On 10 dpo I tested and got a positive. I’m in shock really. I was supposed to be scheduling my appointment with the gyno that day to see about our referral to the fertility clinic. This is a surprise indeed and I can’t help but think that it might be because of the supplements DH has been taking for the last couple months. Although his SA was fine (after starting supplements), he took a fertility test a few years back that showed low sperm count. I can’t help but wonder. Anyhow, Hubby is thrilled, but we are both being very realistic about this. Our only other pregnancy (8 months ago) ended in miscarriage and, although things are looking better this time around, we know all too well that a positive test doesn’t necessarily equal a take-home baby. I’m happy, I’m terrified, I’m hoping that this pregnancy actually brings us a happy and healthy baby. I’m taking it all one day at a time.





Damn Spotting!

7 01 2008

Okay, so I am 8 dpo and the spotting has arrived. I know I said that even if I started spotting today I would feel like it was a small victory that I made it this long… and I do. But I’m also kind of pissed about it. Grrrr. Okay, that is all. 🙂





Remind Me, What is the Purpose of All This?

6 01 2008

When we first started trying nearly 2 years ago I was sure it would happen right away. I was actually kind of concerned that we started trying in March because that would mean the baby would be born in late December, which wouldn’t be ideal for my work schedule. It is kind of hysterical to look back on that type of thinking. Now I couldn’t care less about my work schedule or when the baby would arrive, as long as it arrives! Oh and the times before we started trying when I would stress out about maybe being pregnant even though I was on birth control. Hysterical as well. Oh I miss the naivety.

One of the things I remember from those early days of trying is how real a baby seemed. I thought about it often and I considered how our life would change when the baby arrived. I made plans and decisions in preparation for the baby. I thought about maternity clothes, what season it would be when I was pregnant, how much sick time I should save for when the baby is born, and on and on. It all seemed so tangible and it was the main focus. My thoughts were not about the trying, or about the pregnancy, but about the baby. Sadly I think that changed somewhere along the way. The idea of having a baby seems so far-fetched now. The majority of my thoughts are now about the trying and the quest to get pregnant. What happens after that? I can’t even seem to think that far ahead anymore. We are still very committed to having and caring for a child. It is still our main concern. But I don’t think about it very often. I don’t imagine a baby in my arms anymore, I don’t look at baby clothes, I don’t research strollers and car seats, and I don’t think of baby names. Not right now anyways. I feel like we’re still struggling to get out of the starting gate, so why spend my time thinking about what will happen at the finish line?

I write this because I wonder if I am the only one. I wonder if anyone else has had their priorities rearranged by infertility. I wonder if anyone else is having a hard time imagining what it would be like to actually triumph over infertility. I wonder if anyone else has trouble thinking about the baby that they are trying so hard to conceive. And I wonder if I am a bad person for letting the trying overshadow the child we are trying for.





Christmas Fun

27 12 2007

Just a quick post to say we survived the holidays. I hope everyone else had a great one. Hubby and I spent Christmas morning baking up a storm for the Christmas get together with his family. We made two apple pies, two pumpkin pies, two batches of lemon bars, and two batches of fudge. All vegan of course. The family loved all of it as usual. They kept telling us how great everything was, so that made us feel great. And they had tons of vegan food for us there as well. They are great for that. Out of all the food only a couple items weren’t vegan. So good times there. Now it is just time to relax after all the chaos. Hubby is back at work today, but I luckily have work off until the 2nd of January.

Not a whole lot new on the IF front. All that was kind of on the back burner during the holidays. But hopefully we will get our referrals and appointments set up soon. Fingers crossed.





Ah… The Weekend

16 12 2007

Well, no IF news, and no pics of yummy food either. Although this weekend has been fun and relaxing, we did manage to lose the charger for our camera and our water heater broke. Oh the fun. We baked some delicious pumpkin pies and some pumpkin bread too, but unfortunately I have no pictures because our camera is dead, and of course you already know about the charger. But suffice to say they are yummy. You will have to take my word for it. As for the water heater, we are hoping it will get repaired tomorrow. Fingers crossed!