Scared

11 01 2008

Well AF was due today and so far not so much as a spot. That is the good news. The kind of, sort of bad news that I hope against hope is nothing, is the fact that my temp plummeted 0.6 degrees this morning. That may not sound like a lot, but if you are one of us crazy people who charts, then you know that 0.6 is bigger than is sounds. I am terrified, but I am trying to be positive about it. No cramping, no bleeding. And that is very important. I mentioned it to hubby this morning and told him I was worried. I needed someone to tell. I think that was a big mistake. He is quite the wreck now and I feel horrible because of it. When I’m scared about something I want nothing more than to confide in my best friend, and my husband is definitely my best friend. But at the same time he is just as involved in this as me and I feel like I shouldn’t worry him unless there is something definitive going on. I think from here on out I’m only going to mention this kind of thing if he needs to know. He certainly didn’t need to know this. I hope he is doing okay. Anyhow, in all the chaos of this morning I didn’t test. I had a plan to test every other day for a little while just to put my mind at ease. I’m going to see about taking a test when I get home from work today. I got a positive in the afternoon at 10 dpo, so I should be able to do the same at 12 dpo. Hopefully it will be dark and reassuring. And I hope that tomorrow’s temp is back up.
I really hate what infertility and having a miscarriage has done to me. I am a nervous wreck and analyzing every little thing when so many women out there wouldn’t be. I long to be the kind of person who gets one positive test and then never tests again. The kind of person who can sit back, relax, and have faith that everything will be okay. I’m worried that every little thing is going to lead to miscarriage, and then I start to worry that my worrying will cause miscarriage. Yeah, I’m crazy. I want to just enjoy this, but I feel this odd need to prepare myself for the worst.

Advertisements




This Takes Forever Doesn’t It?

6 01 2008

Well, I contacted the fertility clinic about scheduling before they have that precious referral in their hands. Their answer… absolutely not. I tried. So onto the quest for the referral. I went to my new primary care doctor. He was great, very nice, and an all-around good guy. But he couldn’t give me the referral until I saw the gyno. Booo. So hopefully Monday I will make that appointment and maybe then I will get the referral. Wow, this is really dragging on. I hate insurance companies sometimes. So that is where I am now in the waiting game.

In other news, I am 7 dpo today. Although it seems like forever since we first started trying, and we have decided to pursue IF treatment, we haven’t completely given up on conceiving on our own. So I find myself here in the 2ww. I’m not terribly hopeful, but there is always that glimmer of hope. After all, my tests have come back fine, hubby’s tests have come back fine, and we did manage to get pregnant once. So who knows, it could happen. Not much to report on the 2ww other than the fact that I am 7 dpo and I have not spotted once since ovulation. I couldn’t be happier about that. Ever since our miscarriage nearly 7 months ago, I have spotted every cycle (with the exception of Clomid cycles) from about 6 dpo on. So just making it to 7 dpo is exciting for me. It gives me hope that my body is finally getting back on track after the miscarriage. Even if I start spotting tomorrow it will feel like a victory.





Some Sad News, Some Good News, And Some Unanswered Questions

20 12 2007

I don’t even know where to start. I guess the bad news. I found out today that my dear friend just had a miscarriage. I feel horrible for her. We had a long talk and I was there for her as best as I could be. We’ve been pretty secret about our fertility issues, so no one really knows that we had a miscarriage, including her. So I decided to tell her about our miscarriage. We were able to mourn together. She said that in some weird way she was relieved when I told her, and I completely understand. I felt the same way when she told me. It isn’t that we are happy about what has happened to us, but there is comfort in knowing that someone else knows what you are going through without even having to say a word. I just feel really sad right now. I’m sad for her and I’m also reminded of what happened to us. It definitely brings up all those emotions that I have tried not to deal with. So I know you don’t know her, but keep her in your thoughts if you can.

I don’t want to dwell on that too much. Goodness knows I will be dwelling on it for a long time. So I will move on to the test results. Hubby’s SA results are in. His sperm count is 79! Normal is over 20, so this is a very good number. His motility is on the lower end of normal at 51%, but with 79 for a sperm count I don’t think that is much to worry about. His pH is a little high at 8.5, so I think we might go to a urologist and have that checked out. It might be a sign of infection. The main concern with high pH is that it can kill sperm, but he doesn’t seem to have that problem, so I’m not too concerned. So with the results that we have things are looking good. I’m shocked all in all because I was sure the count would be low. Yay for a promising result. About a month and a half ago we started hubby on a whole list of pills that are supposed to help with sperm count and quality, so maybe it is working. I know they usually say it takes 3 months, but I’m being hopeful. Afterall, if hubby’s count was bad before and just improved because of these pills, then maybe we will have luck soon. A girl can dream, right?

Now for the unanswered questions. The SA results are not yet complete. If you have gone through this before you might notice that I left out morphology. Some would argue that is the most important number of all. Well it turns out they didn’t write down how long we had abstained for and apparently they need that info to finish the morphology calculation. So we called them today with that number and hopefully we will have the morphology results in the near future. At least that is what the girl at the lab said. Hopefully she is right because I REALLY want to know the morphology results.

So that is that. I’m going to go take a nice, warm shower and try to think good thoughts. Hope everyone has a good night!