So Far, So Good

13 01 2008

Goodness, I have been slacking on updating. Well, my temp went back up and I got an even darker +. I have vowed to put that darn thermometer away. I don’t need that stress. Right now things are going good. My boobs are killing me and I’m pretty exhausted most of the time, but I’m loving it. I really am still in shock about it all. And it came at a great time too. My due date for our miscarriage is in February, as is the 2-year mark for the beginning of our TTC journey. Assuming that everything continues to go well, this will allow us to look at February as a good month and not as a reminder of sad times. I’m still taking it one day at a time. I have decided that there is nothing I can do about a miscarriage, so why stress about it. I’m going to try and enjoy this and not think about the “what if” scenarios.

Then there is the insurance. It is funny that this happened right after I switched doctors so we could go to the fertility clinic we wanted. Which means now I have a new gyno and a new hospital that I don’t like. So I put in for a request to switch my medical group back again so that I can go to my old gyno. I’m really looking forward to being back with his office. They are great people. I will be officially switched back on February 1st.  He usually schedules the first appointment at 6 weeks, so hopefully I will have an appointment shortly after the 1st. I will be 6 weeks on January 27th.

Oddly enough, my DH has told some of his co-workers, but none of our family. I have only told one friend who has also had loses and is currently pregnant. Not sure when we are going to tell everyone. DH has the point of view that he wants to tell right away. That way if we have a miscarriage, we can be sad without having to hide it or make up excuses. But at the same time he has decided not to tell family just yet. He is a little conflicted on the whole thing. I’m fine with not telling for a while. My father is coming to visit in a few days and I think that will be the big test. If DH wants to tell then, then we will need to tell the rest of our parents. I guess there isn’t really a right answer. We’ll see how it goes.





Scared

11 01 2008

Well AF was due today and so far not so much as a spot. That is the good news. The kind of, sort of bad news that I hope against hope is nothing, is the fact that my temp plummeted 0.6 degrees this morning. That may not sound like a lot, but if you are one of us crazy people who charts, then you know that 0.6 is bigger than is sounds. I am terrified, but I am trying to be positive about it. No cramping, no bleeding. And that is very important. I mentioned it to hubby this morning and told him I was worried. I needed someone to tell. I think that was a big mistake. He is quite the wreck now and I feel horrible because of it. When I’m scared about something I want nothing more than to confide in my best friend, and my husband is definitely my best friend. But at the same time he is just as involved in this as me and I feel like I shouldn’t worry him unless there is something definitive going on. I think from here on out I’m only going to mention this kind of thing if he needs to know. He certainly didn’t need to know this. I hope he is doing okay. Anyhow, in all the chaos of this morning I didn’t test. I had a plan to test every other day for a little while just to put my mind at ease. I’m going to see about taking a test when I get home from work today. I got a positive in the afternoon at 10 dpo, so I should be able to do the same at 12 dpo. Hopefully it will be dark and reassuring. And I hope that tomorrow’s temp is back up.
I really hate what infertility and having a miscarriage has done to me. I am a nervous wreck and analyzing every little thing when so many women out there wouldn’t be. I long to be the kind of person who gets one positive test and then never tests again. The kind of person who can sit back, relax, and have faith that everything will be okay. I’m worried that every little thing is going to lead to miscarriage, and then I start to worry that my worrying will cause miscarriage. Yeah, I’m crazy. I want to just enjoy this, but I feel this odd need to prepare myself for the worst.





Surprise, Surprise

10 01 2008

So, I haven’t updated in a while because I’ve been a little freaked out. The spotting I had at 8dpo was short lived and it didn’t return. On 10 dpo I tested and got a positive. I’m in shock really. I was supposed to be scheduling my appointment with the gyno that day to see about our referral to the fertility clinic. This is a surprise indeed and I can’t help but think that it might be because of the supplements DH has been taking for the last couple months. Although his SA was fine (after starting supplements), he took a fertility test a few years back that showed low sperm count. I can’t help but wonder. Anyhow, Hubby is thrilled, but we are both being very realistic about this. Our only other pregnancy (8 months ago) ended in miscarriage and, although things are looking better this time around, we know all too well that a positive test doesn’t necessarily equal a take-home baby. I’m happy, I’m terrified, I’m hoping that this pregnancy actually brings us a happy and healthy baby. I’m taking it all one day at a time.